Transcript – Memory Lane

[Quest of Ruin theme plays]

ANNOUNCER
Scroll and Dagger presents:
Quest of Ruin
Episode Eighteen
Memory Lane

[Theme fades to urban background noise, with sounds of stationery and dice in the foreground.]

GAME MASTER
Hello and welcome to Quest of Ruin, the post-apocalyptic fantasy roleplaying podcast. I am your host and Game Master joined, once again, by my players.

PLAYERS
Hello!

WILL
Once more into the horribleness we go.

[The group cheers.]

GAME MASTER
So, last time, you took a delivery job from Reynard, to deliver a mysterious package to his contact in Kapulbaur, the goblin city. As it turned out, this package carried a strange curse of generosity which began compelling you to give away your worldly possessions at the slightest provocation.

WILL
And be very happy about it, I believe was what you said.

GINA
Yes… very happy about giving my books up to be used as hammers, Leah!

LEAH
[clearly holding back laughter] Balink needed a hammer.

GAME MASTER
Anyway. During your next day of travel, you spy ahead the mountains of Kapul Votar. Your journey is coming to an end.

[Leaving the gaming table, the party moves down the road.]

LAETHAR
There’s a sign up ahead. Doesn’t say how far we are from Kapulbaur though.

BALINK
About another two hours.

VURIETH
Kapulbaur is your homeland, isn’t it?

BALINK
Yup, me and most other goblins.

LAETHAR
Should we expect a warm reception?

BALINK
You’ll be just fine.

YAELA
And what about you?

BALINK
I’ll just… stay out of sight.

LAETHAR
Do I dare ask?

BALINK
What?

LAETHAR
What you did in Kapulbaur? Was it anything like what happened in Cavernvault?

BALINK
Like I said, you’ll be fine.

AIOLIN
Are you quite certain of that?

BALINK
Yup. Look, just shut up about it, alright? I’ll stay hidden and you lot can drop off Reynard’s thing, get us work or whatever. Then we can leave.

YAELA
Binks –

BALINK
Just gonna check on the stuff.

[Balink scurries off into the back of the cart and starts ferreting noisily around in the back.]

YAELA
What was that all about?

LAETHAR
I have a feeling we’ll soon find out.

VURIETH
But, Balink would not have done anything dreadful, would he?

AIOLIN
I think you are right. It will probably be like that dwarf, Abnay, just holding a grudge over some accident he caused with his explosives.

YAELA
Yes. Yes, you are probably right.

[In Kapulbaur, vendors hustle and bustle, and people chatter in the big city.]

YAELA
This place is amazing!

VURIETH
I wonder if those enchanted scrolls are real…

YAELA
Judging by the price I should hope so.

VURIETH
Hmmm, interesting…

LAETHAR
Hmph, scrolls. A crutch for the untalented magician.

VENDOR
[excited] Master elf, master elf! Can I tempt you with one of my arcane Letters? Only a touch of magical power is needed to activate them.

LAETHAR
No, thank you.

AIOLIN
That is something I’ve been meaning to ask about. I’d heard all elves had at least a bit of magic, but you claim to not have any at all.

LAETHAR
I don’t. If you’ll recall, that’s why we needed the ashlander to get into the Necromancer’s tower.

AIOLIN
Yeah, but I thought that was just because you didn’t have much power. But most other elves I’ve met can do a bit, even if it’s just conjuring candle flames.

[Laethar is silent.]

VURIETH
Perhaps a topic for another time?

LAETHAR
[sighs] Yes, perhaps.

AIOLIN
[uncertain] Alright, so, where to first?

YAELA
I vote, we find rooms for a night or two. Then we can explore.

LAETHAR
Balink, are you still with us?

BALINK
Yep.

YAELA
Are you ever going to come out from under that cloak?

BALINK
Nope.

LAETHAR
Do you not think that hiding under a hood makes you look more suspicious than simply walking around?

BALINK
Not when you’re recognisable. Oh no!

[A group of guards walk past.]

YAELA
Binks?

LAETHAR
Where has he gone?

BALINK
I’m over here.

YAELA
Why were you hiding from the city guards?

BALINK
None of your business.

[Fading to Gangnik’s shop, the bell tinkles as the door opens – and there’s a loud thump as Aiolin smacks into the top of the door.]

AIOLIN
Ow!

YAELA
Aiolin, perhaps you’d best wait outside. I don’t think you’re going to fit in here.

BALINK
[whispering] I’ll wait with you.

[Fabric ruffles.]

AIOLIN
Oi, get out from under my robe!

[The door closes.]

VURIETH
You are sure this is the place?

LAETHAR
The sign did say this is the Quaestor’s office. Reynard said –

GANGNIK
Good day to you.

YAELA
Oh, hello.

LAETHAR
Master Gangnik, is it?

GANGNIK
Quite so, quite so. How can I assist?

LAETHAR
[hesitantly] We, um – we have a delivery for you.

GANGNIK
A delivery…?

YAELA
Yes. From, um, Reynard?

GANGNIK
Ah, yes. Would you mind closing that blind?

VURIETH
Certainly.

[The blind is pulled down.]

GANGNIK
[harshly] What are you doing, you muppets?

LAETHAR
Excuse me?

GANGNIK
I will not. In broad daylight? Are you mentally stunted – hey!

VURIETH
Laethar, don’t –

YAELA
Quiet, Vurieth.

LAETHAR
One more insult from you, goblin, and it will be your last. We have already been paid so I’m not afraid to teach you some manners.

[A blade is drawn.]

GANGNIK
I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just didn’t expect you at this time. I promise, no more!

YAELA
Alright, Laethar, put him down.

[The goblin is lowered.]

YAELA
We’re just here to make the delivery.

GANGNIK
[shaken] Yes, yes. Where is it?

YAELA
Outside, in the wagon.

VURIETH
We’re supposed to leave that with you also.

GANGNIK
Yes, good, very good. Not irresponsible at all. Will you assist in bringing it in?

VURIETH
Happily. Though, you should know that this object, it is cursed.

GANGNIK
Oh, I’m very much aware of the state of the object. That’s actually the reason I acquired it from Reynard. [to himself, smugly] At no cost, of course.

LAETHAR
What was that?

GANGNIK
Nothing, nothing at all, sir. Come, let’s go get it, shall we?

VURIETH
But, why would you want such a thing? Is it not risky, especially to someone in your business? You could lose everything.

GANGNIK
Oh, don’t you worry about me, my boy, I’m quite well protected.

[The door opens, and they begin to work. Later, the party stands in the corner of a tavern.]

BARTENDER
There’s your keys, rooms are second floor, right hand side.

YAELA
Thank you.

[The party walks away.]

LAETHAR
Not a bad place, this.

AIOLIN
I’m just happy we found somewhere I can actually fit in.

YAELA
Shall we stay here for lunch, then? Venture out this afternoon?

AIOLIN
Sounds like a good plan to me.

[They pull up chairs and sit down at a table.]

YAELA
So, does anyone have anything they need or would like to look for as we explore?

VURIETH
Not for me. I have enough to look at with the books I have. Even if one of them is unreadable.

YAELA
Laethar, anything for you?

LAETHAR
I would like to find a blacksmith if I could. These blades have seen better days, and there is only so much I can do myself on the road. But I will require an expert. No simpleton will be touching these.

BALINK
[suddenly] No!

LAETHAR
Excuse me?

BALINK
No! No blacksmiths. No, very bad idea.

LAETHAR
Why?

BALINK
You don’t need them. Your sword’s as sharp as anything!

LAETHAR
You’re not serious! These things are so blunt I might as well use them to spread butter. What is the matter with you?

BALINK
Nothing! Fine fine, but look, I, uh – oh I know, I know! I know the perfect blacksmith to go to! So just don’t you go wandering off looking for one on your own, alright? I’ll take you. Yes?

LAETHAR
[bemused] Alright, I suppose.

BALINK
Good.

AIOLIN
Can we order now? I can smell that stew a couple tables over and it’s making me hungry.

[Later, still in the tavern, the party have been eating.]

YAELA
Oh spirits, that feels better. Almost forgot how it feels to be full.

VURIETH
How is the stew?

AIOLIN
[satisfied] Beautiful!

YAELA
[amused] How many portions is that now?

AIOLIN
Let’s see. Four.

VURIETH
You astound me.

AIOLIN
What, I’m a big guy. Need more food than you lot.

LAETHAR
True.

YAELA
And are you enjoying yours?

[Mouth full, Balink indicates a yes.]

YAELA
Could you swallow the potatoes before answering?

[Balink indicates a no.]

YAELA
Oh, spirits.

[The tavern doors open and guards walk in.]

AIOLIN
Those are some fancy looking guards.

[Balink squeaks and dives under the table.]

YAELA
Binks? What on earth –

LAETHAR
Get out from under there!

BALINK
No. Shan’t.

YAELA
What is going on with you?

VURIETH
A moment, please?

[They duck under the table to join Balink.]

LAETHAR
Oh don’t you go under there too!

VURIETH
Hello, my friend. Are you hiding from those guards by any chance?

BALINK
Uh huh…

VURIETH
I see. And what would they do if they were to spot you?

BALINK
[mumbling] Arrest me.

VURIETH
Alright. And I suppose you are not willing to tell us why that may be?

BALINK
Misunderstanding.

VURIETH
Of course. Did this misunderstanding also happen to involve explosives?

BALINK
Big ones.

VURIETH
Alright, my friend. Well, you stay under here for now, and we shall let you know when they have gone. Sound good?

BALINK
Yeah.

VURIETH
Very well. 

BALINK
Vurieth?

VURIETH
Yes, my friend?

BALINK
Could – could you pass me my pie?

VURIETH
[chuckling] Of course.

[In the city, the hustle and bustle continues.]

LAETHAR
Alright then, where is this blacksmith you are so keen to take me to?

BALINK
Not keen! Just – just don’t want you getting ripped off – see!

LAETHAR
Mhmm…?

BALINK
Yeah yeah, can we move now?

YAELA
Alright, but could you at least guide us all a little? You know this place better than us and it would save us time.

BALINK
Yeah yeah, sure, fine, fine, I’ll lead you. But no stopping, no wandering off, and no chatting to strangers!

YAELA
[chuckling] Okay Binks!

BALINK
Those are the terms, take ’em or leave ’em!

YAELA
Alright!

BALINK
Alright then. Move quick and follow me.

[Balink directs them through the streets.]

BALINK
Over there’s the oldest building in the whole of Kapulbaur. Been standing for near 2000 years as they say. Least, the base bit. Rest got torn down and rebuilt when it rotted away… then over there’s the higgledy-lanes. Don’t go down alone, or you’ll get lost faster than you can blink! And then – walking right past the jail, nothing to see there, nothing at all!

YAELA
Binks, you’re pulling!

BALINK
Hurry up!

LAETHAR
Slow down!

BALINK
And up ahead we have the statue gardens! Loads of ancient engravings on rocks and some newer marble stuff folks put together. Kinda pretty I guess, if you like that sort of thing. Then next we –

YAELA
Wait, we’re missing someone.

BALINK
What?

LAETHAR
It’s alright, Aiolin is right there.

VURIETH
As ever, easy to spot in a crowd.

BALINK
Would you all just keep up?

YAELA
Calm down, everyone’s here now.

AIOLIN
Sorry, sorry, I’m here.

LAETHAR
What kept you?

AIOLIN
Oh I just got… stuck behind an old lady. I didn’t have the heart to push past so I… waited.

LAETHAR
I see.

BALINK
Right well, if we could just move decidedly more this way, to this side of town!

YAELA
I mean, far be it from me to judge but… this part is looking very pricey. Couldn’t we loop back around to those shops over there?

BALINK
Nope, this is the best bit.

YAELA
But –

BALINK
Hurry up, lots to see, this way, over here!

[At the blacksmith’s, a clearly unimpressed Laethar talks with the blacksmith.]

AIOLIN
Hey, Balink, could I have a word over here?

BALINK
What?

AIOLIN
[lowering his voice] Well, I couldn’t help but notice something back there.

BALINK
Oh yes…?

AIOLIN
Yes. As you were hurrying us past the jail –

BALINK
Shhhh!

BALINK
Look, whatever you think you saw –

AIOLIN
It was your face, Balink. Your face and your name. On about a dozen wanted posters.

BALINK
I –

AIOLIN
I’m not judging, you know. Just pointing out that if I could spot it, then the others can too. Don’t you think it’d be better to just tell us what’s going on? We can leave if we need to. Find another town with another inn to stay in.

BALINK
That’d take days… no. No, it’s fine.

AIOLIN
How much trouble are you in? Really?

[Balink is silent.]

AIOLIN
Is there anything we could do?

BALINK
Not really.

AIOLIN
And, look, is it just the guards you’re in trouble with? Or is there anyone else we ought to be wary of?

BALINK
No one on this side of town…

AIOLIN
Ah. Well, that explains your sudden desire to shop in the upper class areas then.

BALINK
Yeah…

AIOLIN
Are there many folks after you?

BALINK
Not sure. Depends how many friends they had.

AIOLIN
How many friends who had?

BALINK
… all the people I got killed.

AIOLIN
You -?

BALINK
It was an accident. Honest! They kept telling me to pack in more powder, more explosives, more everything! I tried to tell ’em, but I was just starting out and they didn’t listen. And I wanted friends so bad… so I just… did what they told me.

AIOLIN
I assume these were not particularly savoury friends then?

BALINK
Nah. Crooks, the lot of us. It was my first big job, after I got kicked out of Cavernvault. I was so excited, but then, uh… well, things got messy.

AIOLIN
They all died?

BALINK
Crushed, or blasted. Either way, they went down with the bank.

AIOLIN
They had you on a bank job?

BALINK
Yup. They wanted to blast into the cellar and clear out the valuables, then head for the sea. Sell it all in Lundarport, you know? Then we were gonna pick a new town and start over until we was all so rich we’d be living in luxury the rest of our lives.

AIOLIN
But it didn’t go according to plan?

BALINK
Worse than that. Whole thing collapsed, didn’t it? Crumbled to dust, nothing left except ash.

AIOLIN
Gijak!

BALINK
So needless to say, there was a lot of people pretty mad about it. Folks in town lost their jobs, their savings, their valuables. The crime circuit lost half its leaders, and their followers and families were out for blood. They found out I survived and tipped off the guards who did it. So I packed up and scarpered.

AIOLIN
Have you been back since?

BALINK
Blood, no!

AIOLIN
How long’s it been?

BALINK
Um… nearly three years.

AIOLIN
Balink… just how old are you?

BALINK
Old enough.

AIOLIN
Balink.

BALINK
Seventeen.

AIOLIN
Belakh above!

BALINK
I learned young, alright? Anyway, it’s not been so bad. I’ve been on my own since I left and I did fine. Then I joined up with Yaela and Laethar –

AIOLIN
And why do you want us to avoid blacksmiths?

[Balink mumbles something.]

AIOLIN
What was that?

BALINK
My… parents.

AIOLIN
Ah. They’re blacksmiths on the other side of town then?

BALINK
Yeah.

AIOLIN
Are they any good?

BALINK
The best in town.

AIOLIN
Look. You can say no if you want. But if they’re the best here, then it might be a good idea for us to visit. I reckon Laethar might start yelling soon if we stay here.

BALINK
… I mean… I’d like to see them.

AIOLIN
Good. Alright then. [shouting over] Laethar! Laethar!

[At the Fangsnor blacksmiths’, the party examines the area.]

YAELA
Well, this is a very cosy place.

AIOLIN
Yeah. Real cosy.

MR. FANGSNOR
Ah yes, we don’t get much visiting from orcs and the like. If you’ll be needing more room, you could all come out the back while I work. Forge is big enough.

AIOLIN
That’s very kind of you.

LAETHAR
I trust you have handled –

MR. FANGSNOR
Master Monrunn, assure you, I have over forty years of experience with all manner of weaponry, including the most esteemed of elvish ones.

LAETHAR
Well then. Good. I, uh, I thank you.

[Mr Fangsnor gets to work.]

VURIETH
So, these are your parents?

BALINK
Yes.

YAELA
They seem very kind.

BALINK
Uh huh.

AIOLIN
Look, I can appreciate it must be… tricky to be back here.

BALINK
Mhmm…

AIOLIN
But, we will take care. No one will know you came.

YAELA
Binks, isn’t it nice to see them? They seemed ecstatic to see you.

BALINK
I guess…

YAELA
Do you really not want to see them? Or are you just worried?

BALINK
Worried.

LAETHAR
Would you like to have some time alone together? We could keep watch.

[Balink is silent.]

YAELA
There is no pressure on this. We just want you happy.

BALINK
Could… could you just… hang out here for a bit? I… I’m gonna go talk to my mum.

YAELA
Of course. We will stay out here, and if you need us, we’ll be –

LAETHAR
Right out here.

BALINK
Thanks.

[In the Fangsnor home, Mrs Fangsnor is chopping vegetables.]

BALINK
Mum?

MRS. FANGSNOR
Oh! Oh, Binksie, are your friends getting everything they need from your father?

BALINK
Yeah. He’s fixing up Laethar’s sword.

MRS. FANGSNOR
That’s good.

BALINK
It’s elvish. Laethar’s worried but dad told him he can handle it.

MRS. FANGSNOR
And rightly so. Of course he can. There will be no finer blade for miles once your father’s through.

[She sniffs a little.]

BALINK
Mum…

MRS. FANGSNOR
Mhmm?

BALINK
I’m sorry.

[She sniffs again, quietly.]

BALINK
I’m real sorry. I should’ve told you. Before I left. I should have explained.

MRS. FANGSNOR
[sighs] You think that’s what mattered to us? We knew why you went. Soon as the town guards came knocking the next morning we knew why. It’s not as though you hadn’t been caught up in your fair share of scrapes before then. All that business in the Mech’nist City… We understood, Binksie. We still understand.

BALINK
But…

MRS. FANGSNOR
We would have helped you! If you’d just stayed another few hours we could have helped you! Your father knows so many people, we could have had one of his friends take you in for a while, come back quietly and work with your father again. It wouldn’t have been a bother. We’d have happily done it. But instead you just…

BALINK
Mum, if they found out you helped me then you’d have all been in big trouble. If I was gone, and you didn’t know where, you stood a chance, see? You been getting my money right?

MRS. FANGSNOR
Yes. Yes we have, but – oh my boy you didn’t need to – I mean, we would have been happy to, rather than lose you for years off on the road goodness only knows where. You were only fourteen!

BALINK
I’m alright, mum. Promise. I’ve been safe. Only a few minor brushes with death.

MR. FANGSNOR
Oh well, that fills me with confidence.

[Mr Fangsnor enters properly from the doorway.]

BALINK
I’m sorry, dad.

MR. FANGSNOR
No use being sorry, son. What’s done is done. We bore it, we missed you, now you’re home.

BALINK
I can’t stay, dad.

MRS. FANGSNOR
Oh, Binksie, must you go?

BALINK
You know I gotta. Guards nearly spotted me too many times in the last few hours. If they catch me here, you’ll be dragged down with me. And if the gangs catch wind I’m back…

MR. FANGSNOR
They’ll all taste the end of my hammer if they try anything.

MRS. FANGSNOR
Exactly! We’re your family. We stand with you.

BALINK
No, guys, you can’t. You gotta stay safe. No fighting. No, well… no me. What’d happen to the others if you got carted off to jail with me, huh? Or worse? If the gangs take it all out on you…

MRS. FANGSNOR
… I know, Binksie, I know. But I don’t like this at all.

BALINK
I know. I’m sorry, mum.

MRS. FANGSNOR
But you must all stay for dinner at least. The rest will be home soon, and they’ll be delighted to see you. Carsu has shot up like a beanstalk! Oh, and Fyona is learning to read some Elvish, for her studies! Duun and Em are even more identical than ever, and always out practicing some ‘act’ or another. They make a little coin some days when folks see them at it!

BALINK
And how’s Gyra?

MR. FANGSNOR
Pretty as a picture.

MRS. FANGSNOR
And getting her first teeth!

BALINK
I’d like to see them all.

MR. FANGSNOR
You’ll stay then? For tonight?

BALINK
Yeah. Alright. For tonight.

[In the kitchen later that evening, the goblin family comes running in.]

CARSU
Wipe your feet, Em! You too –

DUUN & EM
[speaking over each other] Keep your hair on! Blimey, something smells good. Mum! What you cooking? We got another three silver today in the park! People really liked our new routine!

CARSU
Fyona, give me your coat. You want a hand with those books?

FYONA
Nope, I got them! Here –

[She tosses her coat.]

FYONA
Nice catch! Alright, so I’m going to go read by the fire!

BALINK
Gy? Gyra, whoa, you’re so big!

GYRA
Binksie!

[Her tiny feet patter across the floor, and she leaps at Balink. The siblings gather and start chattering, demanding hugs, and it fades to the dinner table.]

BALINK
And then Laethar chopped its head off, one huge swing like that!

YAELA
And then, of course, we had to go back and rescue him.

LAETHAR
For which I am eternally grateful.

DUUN & EM
What happened next?

AIOLIN
So, you see, these books, well, they’re a bit useless as books now, thanks to your brother, but they’re hard and heavy. So with a handle through them, they make a good mace.

[The children are impressed.]

MRS. FANGSNOR
You are welcome to stay the night here of course, although the tavern may well be more comfortable.

MR. FANGSNOR
And quiet.

YAELA
I would not wish to put you out. Perhaps we could go back to the tavern and Binks could stay?

BALINK
No, no. I’d like you all to stay. If you want?

VURIETH
That sounds very nice.

MRS. FANGSNOR
Oh wonderful! I will go and sort out some bedding for everyone!

[Dice roll and clatter at the gaming table.]

WILL
Leah, your family is sickening.

LEAH
Oh, shut up!

ROSIE
I think it’s nice!

MATT
Of course you would.

GINA
Shut up Matt, it is nice.

LEAH
Yeah, screw you, my family is adorable.

GAME MASTER
[chuckling] I’m glad you think so.

LEAH
And I am enjoying all the different goblin voices you’re doing.

GAME MASTER
Thank you, I do my best.

GINA
Will there be more of that next week?

GAME MASTER
You, and you listening now, will have to wait and find that out next time…

[The end theme plays and the Announcer recites the credits]